


But Killing's Not Okay

by Ferith12



Series: Partners [4]
Category: DCU
Genre: An eight year old planning to kill himself, An eight year old thinking very seriously about killing himself, And I kind of almost agree with him., Gen, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Past Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Really dark, Seriously bad stuff, Suicidal Thoughts, also not at all realistic, this is dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-30
Updated: 2016-04-30
Packaged: 2018-06-04 02:21:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6637126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ferith12/pseuds/Ferith12
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One month after being put into Mini Arkham, Dick thinks about his options.</p>
<p>Read the tags.</p>
            </blockquote>





	But Killing's Not Okay

He lay in his bunk late into the night.

It was dark in his cell, pitch dark, so that he couldn't see the object he held in his hand.  But he could feel it, feel its cool smoothness and its deadly, deadly sharpness.

He had a razor now.  He could do it.  And that feeling of power, of  _choice,_ was almost overwhelming.

All he would have to do would be to slit his wrists, he knew where the best veins were already.  It would be over soon enough. He wondered if it would be painless.  Hoped it wouldn't.  Pain was something that made him feel real, like he  _existed._  It would be nice to feel it as he said goodbye to his own existence.

He wanted it more than anything.

But... he didn't do it.  Not this second, not the next.  He had never been afraid, truly afraid, to do anything before.  Why did he hesitate now?  Was this what cowardice was like?

No.

He was not afraid.  That was why he wasn't doing it.

Dying was like running away.  Running away wasn't something he'd ever done yet, but it was his first instinct when things were bad, always.  Running would be like freedom, even if there was none of him left to feel free afterward.

But there can't be dying if there isn't killing first.  

Killing wasn't okay.

He'd decided that when he had first come here.  Decided that he would never, ever do what Tony Zucco did.  No matter what.

Did it count as killing if you killed yourself?

It might. Dick couldn't.

But he wanted to so badly.

His cell mate, Peter, made a little moaning sound in his sleep.  Peter had been here only two weeks longer than Dick had.   Peter was twelve, and he didn't like blood.

If Dick killed himself there would be a lot of blood. 

The way Dick saw it, he had two options: live or die.

If he died... he wasn't sure what would happen.  Nothing, probably, and then nothing would keep happening.  That, he wanted that so much.  Maybe he would see his parents again.  That hope, that was almost hard for his mind to process.  Maybe he would go to hell.  Even that, he thought, had to better than this.

If he lived?  Well, then, he would continue.   And he would do as many bad things as he had to for Darrel and his gang, so long as they kept the others  from doing dirty things to him.

The dirty things scared him.  They reminded him a bit of mating, except that that was between boy animals and girl animals and was for making babies.  People made babies, too, but that was when they loved each other very much and got married.  This was nothing like that.  This was wrong.  He'd seen Grant do it to Peter (do it, because he could see that Peter didn't want it) the first day, and everything in his head had screamed at him.  Wrong, wrong, wrong,wrong.

People had wanted to do it to him, too.  He had fought them.  It had been easy because they hadn't expected it.

Then Darrel had come and told Dick that if he followed him, if he did everything he said, he would keep them from touching him.

Dick had said yes.

The things that Darrel wanted him to do were not nice things.  Darrel hadn't asked him to _do_ anything yet, but he had taught him a lot of things, already.  How to steal, how to hide, how to fight, how to kill, how to torture.  It would only be a matter of time before Darrel wanted him to do  those things.  Darrel had given him the razor today.  It would be soon.

A glimmer of hope came into Dick's mind, then.  

One life is as wrong to end as another.

If Darrel asked him to kill someone he would be free to kill himself first.

It would only be a matter of time.

 

 


End file.
